I don’t understand hunger.
Hiatus
But I’m back now.
I got diagnosed with a potentially fatal heart dysrhythmia.
I went to see family out of state and a lot of shit went down.
I left my fiance because life is too short and I was miserable.
I stopped restricting, but I’m back on the wagon again, and I’ve never felt so excited.
I am so terrified of everyone.
I don’t know what to say when people compliment me, so I don’t say anything. I just laugh awkwardly or blow it off and I’m sure I come off as a rude bitch. Especially when people comment on how much weight I’ve lost. I don’t know what the fuck to say. Like today.
L: “Hey you’ve really lost a lot of weight.”
Me: “Yeah.” (In my head: “Not enough though.”)
L: “You’ve gotten really skinny. I don’t mean it in a bad way or anything.”
K: “She’s svelte.”
At that point I think I walked out… We were in the middle of getting things set up at this charity event I was volunteering at. The sad thing is compliments just make the nasty voices in my head louder. While they’re trying to acknowledge my progress all I can think of is, ‘Why am I still fat?’ ‘Why am I still so disgusting?’
I guess my real question at the end of the day is always, ‘What the fuck is wrong with me?’
Her body is amazing.
<3 Florence and the Machine
I’m still kind of stupid when it comes to Tumblr so I didn’t know the best way to reply to this…
vanishingkat said: Don’t feel too bad. Guys tend to lose weight more easily than girls, and guys usually are blessed with those mega high metabolisms. I hate it too, but atleast you work hard for what you get. :)
… But I wanted to reply since you were nice enough to comment. :) He and I talked about it and I guess my main frustration was that he was not even attempting to lose weight. Like… he was literally sitting around doing nothing for two weeks because he was on medical leave. And BAM, 10 lbs. It’s just frustrating. But he said he will probably gain it all back just as quickly, and that’s probably true. I just have to keep in mind that I am working hard for this and that the harder I work the more likely it is that it will stick. Thank you for the support. :)
Aujourd’hui
In:
Breakfast: clif bar + almond milk (285)
Lunch: tuna (180) + soy yogurt (150)
Snack: clif bar (240)
Dinner: rice (190) + fake chicken strips (250) + barbecue sauce (70)
Dessert: dairy-free chocolate (125)
Total: 1490
Out:
50 minutes on the elliptical (-565)
NET: 925
If you haven’t heard this song, then you need to. Right now.
I just made my lunch for tomorrow.
And it’s only 160kcal. Success. :)
